Dear Liz,
My boyfriend of three years and I just broke up and to say the last couple of weeks have been both heartbreaking and confusing is an understatement. Though our decision to part ways was completely mutual and we ended on good , we decided we’d take some time for ourselves. We haven’t talked since that night, two weeks ago. He’s my best friend and the whole never speaking again thing doesn’t sit well with me. I’m not sure if you’ll be able to give me a straight answer, but I guess my question is: when is the right time to reach out? And how?
Signed,
Newly single and confused
Dear Newly single and confused,
I’m truly sorry to hear about your breakup. It’s understandable the change in routine from talking every day to not talking at all has been destabilizing.
The tips I’ll give you may not satisfy your answer. Truly, only you know what is best for you. That’s the key—now that you’re single, you must do what’s best for you.
Although I’m a big advocate of the no- rule post-breakup, I’ve always followed it with an understanding that distancing myself from the other is the only way in which I can grow without feeling tethered to my past. However, I’ve recently adopted this new policy in which I’m unapologetically honest with my intuition and urges. After finding myself double texting, asking awkward questions, and talking openly about my feelings, I’ve realized that holding back from these impulses only wastes my time.
When I do make such decisions, though, I ensure I’m making them for the right reasons. In your case, you might want to ask yourself, why do you want to reach out? Are you seeking closure? Do you want to maintain a friendship? Are you just lonely and craving a comforting person?
Once you’ve determined your reason, here’s how I recommend you move forward.
Firstly, check in with yourself that the initial shock and intensity of emotions has subsided. If you still feel the same way you felt on the day of the breakup, you might need more time.
Second, choose a method that feels comfortable for the both of you. Meeting in person at a neutral location like a coffee shop or park would be my top choice, but if you primarily communicated through text, call, or FaceTime during the relationship, stick with that.
Next, before you text or meet them, make sure you have a clear understanding of what you’re trying to achieve with this conversation. Be clear on what final questions you have and be firm in whether you’re looking to get back together or simply check in. Keep yourself able to what you expect from the conversation. It seems like the most useful would be a final conversation about the relationship, so perhaps keep a promise to yourself that there will be no getting back together, and stick to it.
Be prepared for different responses. Your ex-boyfriend may need more time before he’s ready to engage in conversation, have different expectations for post-breakup communication, or may not be ready to reply at all. We all deal with breakups in our own unique ways, be emotionally prepared for a variety of outcomes. If he’s like me and doesn’t want to build a new friendship, don’t let that fog your perspective of your past together. What happens after the breakup is a result of two individuals healing. While his words and actions (or lack thereof) may help you find that closure, they won’t cause the closure—only you can do that for yourself.
, your life—love and otherwise—doesn’t end with this breakup. This is just the beginning.
With love,
Liz
Tags
All final editorial decisions are made by the Editor(s) in Chief and/or the Managing Editor. Authors should not be ed, targeted, or harassed under any circumstances. If you have any grievances with this article, please direct your comments to [email protected].