Dear Liz,
I’ve been seeing this girl for a couple of months and things are starting to become more serious. We’ve both been in relationships before but haven’t really talked too much about them, and all I know is her last relationship, which was over two years, ended amicably. Recently, I found out she’s still in with her ex. She says they’re just friends, and I believe her, but I don’t really see the point in them keeping in . I haven’t talked to my ex since we broke up so if it were up to me, I’d prefer for her to stop talking to hers as well. Am I wrong for this? Is it possible to be just friends with an ex?
Signed,
Conflicted & Confused
Dear Conflicted & Confused,
I jumped at the chance to answer this question because I’ve personally faced the same inner dilemma. The solution came to me when I realized everyone has different approaches to post-breakup dynamics.
Some people find it easier to sever ties completely, while others manage to maintain a platonic connection. Both approaches are valid, and neither is inherently right or wrong. I ire your ability to be vulnerable with me and open up about the fact this is something that may be triggering for you as the relationship progresses and it’s understandable that you’d like to avoid detrimental effects.
I’m part of the group of serial blockers. It helps me start a new slate and really focus on healing. This is why I usually don’t ask questions about exes, since I don’t see the point in bringing up the past when you’re in the present. Others, especially those coming out of long-term relationships or those that were friends before they began dating, prefer to gradually depart from each other’s life, or instead establish a new kind of relationship.
Take a moment to reflect why this issue resonates with you. Have you considered the diverse ways people cope with breakups? Are your worries rooted in feelings of jealousy or insecurity? Do you not understand why she’s talking to her ex or are you worried there may be, or come to be, something more from her friendship with them?
My main piece of advice, when it comes to any kind of inner thought or doubt you may have about your partner, is to ask them about it directly. It’s normal to question something your partner may do or say, but don’t stay up all night or go over scenarios in your head. Instead, express how you feel about her maintaining with her ex and inquire about the nature of their relationship now in a calm, non-confrontational manner.
Expressing your feelings doesn’t mean demanding her to cut off the friendship, but instead opens the door for you to understand each others perspectives better.
You can practice what you’re going to say in the mirror—it’s best to have this conversation in person than over text, by the way—so here are some key points to help you form the most coherent “I” statement to ensure a productive and kind conversation.
First, make sure you explicitly state that you trust her completely. it you have a different approach to dealing with breakups. Then, mention how you sometimes feel unsettled about her communication with her ex, or how you’d like to learn more to understand it further. If you’d like, you can mention your worries that there might be unresolved romantic feelings that she might want to act on. to reflect before you approach her.
A way not to go about this conversation would involve “you” statements with an accusatory approach. Avoid “I don’t understand why you talk to your ex,” and “I feel like there might be something more between you and your ex that you’re not telling me about.”
Doing this sooner rather than later will avoid jealousy harming the relationship. It’s crucial to find a balance between setting boundaries and respecting each other’s friendships and pasts. If her interactions with her ex doesn’t affect your relationship negatively and there aren’t any red flags, giving her the benefit of the doubt is worthwhile.
Relationships are founded on trust, and this might be one of those instances where it’s up to you to have faith in your partner. Your girlfriend’s openness about her current friendship with her ex is a positive sign but having a conversation will be worth your while to prevent you from spiralling any further or causing insecurity in future relationships.
With Love,
Liz xo
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